My friends are showing their true colors. Holy shit! I am overwhelmed with kindness and sweetness and honesty. HOWLLA! I love my wolf pack! It's a full moooon! Howl!
I must say, I feel lighter lately like I was treading water for a long time and my feet just found the sandy bottom. The sadness is gone. The fear has vanished. I was terrified last time I entered single motherhood. Three kids and a paycheck that is sometimes more burden than blessing. Who's gonna want me? Who's gonna want all that comes with me? Now, I'm more who cares, I'm free to feel what I want and to hell with all the people who say there's slim pickin's in the single world. Screw that thinking. Last time, I went straight to dating, and trust me, there were plenty of fish. Match.com was quite the experience; I think I signed up just to see what was out there swimming in the sea. I went on one date with a guy who I made fun of (as I often did many of the men on there) because the profiles and the pics were sometimes so ridiculous. "Why pose with Donald Trump? Does that make you rich? What kind of person wants a new person to like them for that?" Trump poser guy wanted to meet the funny girl despite the insult. Turns out, that guy was a marine architect who helped design Trump's yacht. Woops! Lol. Then I'd get the, "what's a beauty like you doing on a site like this?" That always made me feel like such a Loser. I'd think....Damn, I must be really messed up in the head being on here...and if that's your clever way of getting my attention, you're mistaken. You better come up with something better than that buddy. I'm just not interested in serial dating and I just can't do all that again. Winks and views and lies and my foot in my mouth, no thanks. I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth, but who isn't, right? And if someone is too busy judging what comes out of my mouth, that means they must be perfect, right?
What I am interested in is the power of my truth serum. Here's an email from a male friend who kept inquiring about my marital status, but I kept a lid on it for a long time before I made it public knowledge. I shared the original blog with him because I trust him with my words, and my heart, for some reason. I trust you, JV Pretty cool. Here's J and I getting the truth of our friendship out in the open. JV inspired me a while back when I was ready to give up on my website. He reached out and sent me to what is now my support team, and pushed some wind under my wings just when I needed it.
What I am interested in is the power of my truth serum. Here's an email from a male friend who kept inquiring about my marital status, but I kept a lid on it for a long time before I made it public knowledge. I shared the original blog with him because I trust him with my words, and my heart, for some reason. I trust you, JV Pretty cool. Here's J and I getting the truth of our friendship out in the open. JV inspired me a while back when I was ready to give up on my website. He reached out and sent me to what is now my support team, and pushed some wind under my wings just when I needed it.
J wrote:
◦ wow. and here i thought i was never going to get an answer to my question from, oh i don't know... 4 months ago. how was i to know you were just building up enough content to give me such an amazing answer.
◦
◦ a few things.
◦
◦ 1) you should write a book. channel everything here and do it.
◦
◦ 2) you are more than i ever knew you were. (how could i ever have known, though.) your strength is both arousing and inspiring. the next lucky one will be luckier than the first for having you as you are now after all your experiences.
◦
◦ 3) if i didn't have my amazing wife and child, i'd probably use every tool in the book and then invent some to chase you down and tame you. well, not so much tame...
◦
◦ 4) i look forward to keeping in touch and following your goings on in the meantime.
◦
◦ your beautiful mess is awesome. talk to you again in, um... i guess may, right? : )
I don't reply. But I'm not offended. It's typical. But then he wrote this:
I don't reply. But I'm not offended. It's typical. But then he wrote this:
•
◦ hey. this has been bugging me almost since i pushed send.
◦
◦ even as a flirty compliment of a harmless (that was the intention, anyway) nature, i don't think i needed to send those remarks to you (read: number 3).
◦ i'm relatively certain you get them and hear them all the time- to a point way past cheesy cliches. so consider this my attempt to recall portions of my last email. namely number 3 in it's entirety.
◦
◦ i figure you deserve more from guys than you may get a lot of the time. i've even seen the cheese pour forth outright on replies to your posts.
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◦ and where we may never get to being close enough to where it really matters, i still don't want to be thrown into the list of "those guys".
◦
◦ nevermind the fact that, while my wife has some quirks that drive me up a fucking wall, she's a most amazing wife and mommy, and i don't suppose said remarks showed much respect to her, either.
◦
◦ fuck. consciences really suck sometimes.
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◦ FYI- numbers 1,2 and 4 still apply.
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◦ sorry if this seems like an odd msg to get. it was just bugging me. i'm getting more reflective in my old(er) age.
◦
◦ talk to you in a few months, i suppose. peace.
•
•
•
So I replied.
◦ Lol. Enlightened being you are. I blow off compliments, appropriate or not, faster than most I suppose. I do however love your honesty. You should delete. I want your wife to like me when I acknowledge your support in my book (?!). Friends we be! Don't be so hard in yourself. I'm like a drug. You just need to put me in the right category.
-THE END
I trust this J because he was honest. Now we're better friends. He
knows what I conjure up for him and he addressed the shadow, and he's
a better man for it. For the record, I have this effect on males and females.
People are simply honest with me. It's flattering. They trust me with their fears,
doubts, secrets, desires, wishes, insecurities, shortcomings, faults.
I like that. I want all my friends to be as helpful and honest as J was.
Offer support when I need support. Make sincere apologies when required.
My serum is potent. Potentially powerful, never poisonous, plausibly pleasurable, potent.
You just have to decide where you're going to put me. That's all.
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Welcome to My Beautiful Mess. Stay beautiful! Clean up your messes. xo, D