just enough

I unpacked my bag to nowhere

I brought just enough stuff 

to make the journey

I always pack lightly

lightly enough

my baggage

is not too much

in fact

it's 

just enough

on strike

Last week, I threw my hands up in the air, saying, "I'm done. I can't take it anymore." As I write this, that stupid song comes in my mind and distracts me. Saying HEY YEAH, or something like that. I've gone on strike this month. Professor Strike. Dishes Strike. Laundry Strike. Communication Strike. Father, Brother, Sister, Mother Strike... and the hardest one, Friend Strike.

my shoulders are taut like stone

they climb on to give me strength

little do they know the cure is

a tickle

Annie (1982) - Little Girls

hopeLESS

 Jack Johnson, Banana Pancakes

My youngest daughter still comes in the bed at night. I can't tell her, but I will be devastated when she stops her nightly snugglefest. She ventures over, tranquil and cool (her tiny feet are always cold and she nuzzles them in my side for warmth). This little before dawn traveler is always a little chatty. When she was three, we'd chat. Mommy, you hewre. Yes, sweetpea. Mommy, I love you. Lots of big squeezes and forehead and/or cheek kisses ensue. Last night was particularly smushy. You know what mimi, you da best mommy evah. I try not to talk back anymore, but sly child that she is, she knows just what to say and I forget my silence. Mimi, you want me to scratch youwr back. Being pure kitten myself, I couldn't resist. Truth be told, I love having all three of my sweetpeas in the bed. We cozy up. Left, right and center. Everyone purrs. My brood of kit, kitten, kitty and kittycat.

d i s c o n n e c t e d

How many of us are truly happy? How many of us wake up feeling empty? Although emotion is supposed to vary, if you've felt empty for more than six months, you are very likely depressed. I say, GOOD FOR YOU! Be grateful. We're not supposed to be happy all the time. There are positive reasons for depression like the need to mull over the possibilities of our lives. What's working? What's bringing you stress? Where  are you feeling unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unappreciated, unhappy? If you can't name it, you can't claim it. Unless you know what you're dealing with, you will likely be stuck. For a looooong time. Not choosing to help yourself is a choice in itself. I speak from experience. I have not one, but two parents who suffer from depression. My father is a new addition to the depression disposition. His was moderate, late in life, and due to stressful circumstances. My mom is a life long sufferer. Fortunately, I was born with the happy gene (there really is one, not everyone gets it,  just call me lucky, not shithead). Even still I have experienced severe depression. And I would've never gotten out of that one without medication. I ultimately needed that low to get where I wanted to be, but the meds, well, they took what felt like an infinite abyss and gave it a bottom.

Having dealt with a depressed mother, I've learned not to waste time with the negative stigma of therapy and medications. Would you deny a diabetic their insulin? Seems ridiculous, right? Well, there's really no difference with the severely depressed. I've seen the severely depressed try to parent their children. It's painful to watch. For me, I feel if you have anyone to take care of, you had better be taking care of you. If you identify with feeling disconnected, you'd be doing yourself and your loved ones a disservice by not investigating further. I like visiting http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm for all my medical questions. Go there. Check it out. Start living the life you've always dreamt of.

If you find it's slight to moderate depression, consider it a gift. I suffer from it periodically. As soon as I feel the 'disconnect' I add some physical activity to my routine. I double my pleasure by adding nature to my workout. A walk on the beach is a regular habit of mine. Rain or shine. How can you not be grateful when you see an endless horizon of gorgeous blue sea? I never feel disconnected when I spend time with nature.

Open yourself to happiness.  Learn how to integrate your Body, Mind and Spirit. A brisk walk in nature integrates all areas. Go! Go walk. You'll feel so much better.

Michael Franti, Say Hey (I Love You)

secrets...s...sh....sha....sham....shame

I'm not quite sure why, but if you have a secret, it is safe with me. Maybe it's because I'm the least judgmental person you can call a friend. Maybe it's because I give good advice. Maybe it's because I had a secret of my own. Maybe it's the timing of when it happens and I just so happened to be nearby when you felt the need to spill the beans. But, if there's one thing I know for sure, I know EVERYONES' secrets. And I don't tell a soul. It's pretty fascinating too. So much better than television. Big screen movie worthy, real life stories, that I have the pleasure and privilege, and in some cases, the horror, of experiencing second hand. Having an affair? Tell me. I will let you drip all the juicy details of it and not once looked horrified or disgusted. Secretly hate your child? Tell me. I'll tell you it's you you hate and will give you straightforward advice without criticism. Tell me you're a childhood sexual abuse survivor and I'll try to fix you with my love. 

Stop and Stare

A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true. ~Demosthenes

I just stopped and stared at myself and my thought process over the past few years. I stared at what I have become and how I've changed and I can't decide how I feel about it all yet. I have a general feeling. I feel loved. I feel special. But as I stare, my vision is halted by feelings that I can't explain and then I get all foggy. I crave clarity and I need the hindsight of a few years to make sense of it all before I will be able to sum it up with a few words. I know one day all the pieces will come together and I will find solace and inspiration in my choices, in my evolution. Because the choices I made all along, were and continue to be choices I made with made with my heart. I always make choices with my heart.  Sadly, it doesn't matter where you're from, if you think this way, you're bound to get hurt and be disappointed in people because you will find most people make choices out of fear. If I'm afraid, I just follow my heart. I ask my heart- where are we (we being me and my heart) going to feel the most joy, the most happiness, the most love? Although I'm not at all where I thought I'd be, at least I know I'm here for love, with love, about love, just not in love. Funny, how those little words matter so much.

If my heart could speak it would pump out words like fate, happenstance, flesh, flame, sweetness, sorrow, mess, shame, love that was borrowed, coincidence, déjà vu and fuck you!

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