mourning morning

I've been mourning the loss of Adrian a LOT longer than the rest. He has been gone, the man I knew and loved and married, for years. :(((( makes me so mad and sad that no one could help... that he never asked for help, not then, not now....

And now I mourn a different way. 

How could a man so gorgeous, so kind, so worthy feel otherwise? The answer is a monster, a family member stole his innocence and his self esteem at the ripe again of five. That man not only had a sick mind he lied about what happened until the day he died. They always lie. They make their prey lie too.

No thing I told AC, about his worth, his handsomeness, his amazing soul, meant a thing. He didn't believe me. He believed the lie. I understood best because I was molested by a cousin many times. But it was not rape. It was not violent. We often used to discuss, with each other, with our therapist, how most people who've been violently violated as children are drug addicts, alcoholics, or dead. Adrian never smoked a cigarette much less did drugs. Not even one cigarette! Not once. We didn't drink. He only drank with his buddies, on occasion. But he had another coping mechanism. He didn't always tell the full truth and he never asked for help. The last one is the big one. Asking for help is huge in recovery. We were told we are forever in recovery. He was drowning in little untruths. One here, one there, and sometimes, I didn't know what to believe. That's why we decided to split again. I felt, my intuition felt something was not right. He didn't act like him, feel like him, smile like him. I guessed it was because he didn't love me like he professed. I guessed wrong.

Even when we were 'dating' others during our separation, he always told me I was an amazing mother, an amazing woman, he always told me he loved me unconditionally. I could do no wrong. If a woman did something (a facebook post would get back to me like wildfire), he'd make her take it down. He'd say, "She's with our daughters and I don't want anything upsetting her while she's parenting our daughters." And down the misdirected (and incorrect) post would come. The one that got me was "If she knew how to treat him, he'd have stayed." (It was ME who figured out his abuse two weeks into knowing him, it was me who got him into treatment, me who cuddled him through the sobs of recovery, me who held the secret for him for 8 years. I couldn't stand it any longer. Watching that man hug and kiss on our babies grated my every nerve). Even while we were with other people, he was always looking out for his girls. I was always looking out for the return of the man I loved, the one I adored, the one I married, the one I had three beautiful daughters with and loved so deeply and intimately.

That's what childhood sexual abuse does though. It robs ones ability to be intimate. Not just sexual intimacy, but all the intimacies (see below).  We had them all for 8 years. And then, well, once the treatment started... we had to really work hard to achieve them. We often did. But it was sporadic. Funny, that's what his college baseball coach at UCF called him. He'd have scouts at games considering him for the pros and he'd play great one day, and bomb on the next. Sporadic. That's what got me in the end. He was all or nothing. He was either 100% present, or in the room and a million miles away. Unreachable.

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EIGHT TYPES OF INTIMACY

        Assess what YOU Need/Want & Discover What Your Partner Needs/Wants:

l. AFFECTION—DAILY..NOT SEX…could be touching/kissings/acts of service or kindness

2. SOCIAL—DOES NOT HAVE TO END IN SEX….together and with others…DATE TIME…once a week

3. EMOTIONAL—Once a Week…Not a Marathon…Debrief your FEELINGS:

           I’m Feeling……; I’d Like….; I don’t want….; Do you want to Discuss Now or Later (set time)

           Appreciations & Apologies

4. INTELLECTUAL—Sharing of Daily Events/Plans/Politics/Sports, etc

5. PHYSICAL—NOT SEX…gardening, shopping, cooking, working out, biking etc…together

6. AESTHETIC—Sharing Something Beautiful…NOT SEX…Music/Art/Pets/Travel/Nature/Theatre, etc

7. SPIRITUAL—Religious Events, Meditation, Nature, Reading, Prayer, Music, etc.

8. SEX—Once a Week Body Connection that Includes Genitals…Intercourse or Outercourse (of course)

               Does not have to include orgasm…showering, massage, “good morning/good night” to body

Truth and intimacy are the keys to any relationship. If truth be told, I actually told him to go get a girlfriend a few years back. I could never imagine life without him, but I also didn't recognize him. I read this book "Kosher Adultery," and I took it a little further. He was not okay with this suggestion. He was not okay that I was okay with this suggestion. It was more innocent than dirty. I wanted him to see how others perceived him. Because he was off, way off. And my tough love tactics, my medical, therapeutic, get tough tactics were not working.

In March of 2010, he was offered a chance to have dinner with the Yankees players and to meet Yogi Berra and go to the second to the last Yankee game at THE Yankee Stadium for free and he didn't want to go. I had to FORCE him to go. His mentor was dying of cancer, they had the chance to go together and he didn't want to go! He lost his swag, his mojo. He lost his happy thoughts. He felt unfit, unattractive and not worthy and I couldn't convince him otherwise... and then I started believing him...then it was just a big mess. A BIG FUCKING MESS. He went on the NY trip and had the experience of a lifetime, but I had to force him. I was tired of forcing him to live life to the fullest. And now he's gone. And I've been mourning his loss so much longer than anyone else on the planet.